I have a friend who is my go-to going out buddy for double dates. She is always dating an interesting guy that will give my boyfriend someone to talk to while we are out.
Her latest guy vanished without a trace recently. When I asked what his crime was, she explained he hid his children.
My friend was completely disgusted with this guy because during their 3 weeks of dating, he neglected to share he had two children.
When he finally did, he said he did not want to tell her up front because he didn't want her to judge him.
My friend argues that she feels like the guy she has been dating is not the real him.
Her theory is that if you have two kids, they are a big part of your life and who you are. And to date someone and never talk about them is...creepy.
Now I can understand where the guy is coming from, because he is probably used to women losing interest as soon as they find out about his kids.
But I also think it's pretty shady to never mention such a huge part of your life?
When dating, do you think it's fair to withhold certain facts until you feel comfortable sharing them?? Even if they are a big part of who you are?
WOW. I just HAVE to post on this one, because I was in a similar situation...
ReplyDeleteMy situation: I went out with a guy, and on our first date, he told me that was an ex-stripper, a sex consultant and had been in prison for attempted murder. I'm NOT kidding.
My reaction: I appreciated his honesty and how upfront he was with me. I respected him, because he gave me opportunity to decide whether or not I wanted to deal with his "drama" before my emotions, feelings and attractions were even in the picture. (I didn't talk to him again, but it was b/c of a combination of things: his past, he wasn't that cute, he was a little full of himself, he talked...ALOT.)
Moral of the Story: I don't think it's what you say, or when you say it, but HOW you say it. I wonder if it was the WAY that my date told me about his past that turned me off. Had he seemed remorseful, or preceded it with a "you know, I'm not proud of this, but it did happen in my past..." instead of randomly blurting it out, would I have been more receptive to him? Or had we built an emotional bond through months of dating, would I have been more open? And, was your friend's date like "oh, by the way, I'm going to my son's soccer practice on Saturday," or was he more like "I wanted to wait and tell you that I have kids because of x,y,z reasons."
In conclusion: We all have our secrets/insecurities/past issues that will eventually come to light when dating someone. I do think we should be open and tolerant when someone chooses to share a very personal part of themselves with us, because we've all learned how to communication differently...some of us are more upfront, some are more secretive, some want to build trust first, or see if the other person is even worth sharing certain details of our life with.
And, I also think it works both ways...are you quick to tell your date about the 10 one-night stands you had? Or about your alcoholic mother? Or your outrageous financial debt? Your DUI? Your abortion? My point is...what might not be a big deal to one person is HUGE to another, and vice versa.
I think it's important to look at HOW and WHY the person has chosen to withhold information, to talk about it and then to see if it's something you can live with or not.
Having a baybay myself, I can sympathize with the guy here. It's really all about timing... Would you tell someone on the first date that your dad is an alcoholic or that your brother is "adopted"? Probably not...Having a kid, is apart of your personal life until you decide otherwise. I have told guys on date 1 and other times have waited until date 3. Seems to me your friend was freaked out by the fact that he had kids and was fishing for an excuse to ditch the dude. If she really liked him, it wouldn't have made a difference whether he told her on date one or 3 weeks later...Frankly, she wasn't feel o'boy!
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