Dating for Perks

We've all heard of dating for dinner. Or maybe that's just me. But I think I'm not alone when I say I consider the possibility of a free meal when a guy asks me out.
What happens when there is more on the table than a free meal?
A friend of mine is dating a man that she's just not that into. He lives in Miami, she does not...she wants to keep dating him because helloooooo he lives in Miami!
Is it wrong to date someone even if you don't have a spark?
Is it wrong to date someone just to get a trip to Miami?
I think it's okay to date a man that you don't have a spark with.
But when are you dating someone you're not that into and when are you using them and wasting their time?
If my friend is reading this, I think you should date the guy. Let him invite you to Miami. Get your OWN hotel room and label it a fun adventure. But if he uses the L word, it's time to cut him off before feelings get hurt.

The Problem With Trey Songz

If you haven't met Trey Songz. Say Hello.
That is his latest video, I Invented Sex.
I don't watch music videos but my friends said I had to watch this one. Sigh...
This video and the existence of Trey Songz raises several problems for me. I'm notorious for having crushes and now...he is on the list. But as a 20-something, I'm way too old to be crushing on a grown man! Or is it okay to have unrealistic crushes?
My problem with Trey is that he is not reality. The chances of me meeting a man as adorable as him are slim to none. Now for those of you who don't find him attractive...I respect your opinion. You are the same people who looked at me crazy when I was obsessed with Nelly, yes...Nelly, in the 10th grade. And in hindsight you were only looking out for me because who could love a man with a band aid on his face? Only me!
But this Trey...he is no Nelly. And now I have a crush. I'm 24 years old with a crush on a grown man. Hmph! Not FAIR! Someone make him go away...

20 something & Married

I'm in my early 20s and I have very few friends who are married. So when I meet someone who has made "the plunge" before they are 30, I'm very eager to hear about their experiences in marital bliss.
Hopefully you will enjoy this inside look as much as I did from our anonymous contributor.

The Honeymoon Is Over

When you walk down the aisle it is like all your dreams are coming true- everything you prayed for is becoming real right in front of you. So life is grand and there is nothing that can stop your happiness. BLISS! Yes, love is great and marriage is beautiful but why dont the fairy tales talk about the trying times that will inevitably come? why dont they teach us how to listen well? forgive completely? and sacrifice endlessly?
I am definitely not putting marriage down because I love my husband and moreover I love my marriage. I am simply stating that you need more than LOVE because the honeymoon does end. I am a 20 something newly wed and I am sure as time goes on I will learn more but, right now, I can say that love is the emotion that drives me to be a good wife but it can not stand on its own... I have to use patience, active listening, selective verbal communication, refraining from controlling tendencies, displaying affection consistently and in keeping the spark, steering clear of hilding grudges, investing in a firm relationship with God in order to have a back drop the measure the marriage and union against. Each day teaches me new attributes that I have to use in my marriage that are beyond love... We spend a lot of time in fairyland and it starts at an early age- and even in adult hood we play out our ideas of what the fairy tale should be and we are disappointed when things go off script! When you get real in your marriage you are forced to say to yourself "that fairytale shit is crap!". When you make your vows it is not "I will love you no matter how buff you get, I will be here no matter how healthy you remain"- the vows represent commitment through all times, particularly the shadow side.

SOOOO when the honeymoon is over- the tests comes and you have no choice but to get real. The tests come in all forms- for example, I have a friend who is a nutritionist but her husband is very unhealthy and having a difficult time changing his eating/exercise habits to benefit his overall heath- this is a serious test because the very thing she represents isn’t being practiced in her home by the person she loves most. Another example, my husband is an artist and his form of art (theatre) requires him to spend a lot of time away from home- well that doesn’t work as much for me because I don’t like to be alone and I especially don’t like cooking for one... as a wife I have to not only support his passions but also use clear communication to explain to him my dilemma. (Outcome: he decided to take a break from the theatre for a while to focus on his marriage as you only transition from the la la land/honeymoon stage once). Getting real requires self searching and opening up like you never have before- you get real by accepting your own insecurities and letting your mate in on that. EXAMPLE: "I don’t like to be placed second to anything because when I asked my dad to go to rehab he told me no- I felt like I came second to his drug addiction- I have a problem not being the priority in your life". Opening up sounds easy but it is hard as hell because we have spent most of our lives covering up our insecurities, issues, dark secrets or feeling really bad about them. You gotta put them on the table for dinner... they are hard to look at and even harder to swallow.


The transition from La La Land to reality challenges you to really love your mate and to really give to your relationship. I believe that God created marriage to teach us hard lessons and also to give us a joy like nothing else. Prepare your minds and hearts for this here reality if marriage is in your future!!! :) From one sista to anotha...

Also, lots of interest in guest blogging these days. Just leave a comment if you would like to do a post of your own with your email address and I will contact you. I welcome posts on ANY topic.

Hate

I understand that there are people with hate in their hearts all over the world.
Today, someone asked me if my openly Gay friend had AIDS yet.
I've never been so disgusted in my life.
My question is...why?
What makes people so full of hate?
AND why do they think it's okay to share their rude views with others?

Too Old to Daydream?

I'm a daydreamer.
Lately I've been playing the wedding daydream game.
One day as I started to text some of my friends about the Vera Wang wedding dress I wanted, I started to wonder if I was too old for this.
I think there are 2 age brackets when you are allowed to fantasize about that special day, from 6 to 17 and from whatever age you are proposed to and until the wedding day.
I just felt silly getting all worked up about Vera with no man to picture at the end of the aisle.
I won't even get into the list of wedding songs I have stored away, but in my defense, I compiled that list when I was 18 (but I do find myself adding to it).
So do you guys think it's immature to plan your wedding without a ring on your left hand?

Karma and The City

I bought Sex and the City the movie this weekend. I've watched it 4 times in two days...
If you haven't seen it then you should probably stop reading because I'm going to give away the plot.
So in the movie. Big stands up Carrie at the alter on their wedding day.
Here's my question for you...did Carrie have such a blow coming for her after all that she has done?
I believe in karma, especially when it comes to relationships. There are two things that make me think Carrie had this coming...
1) Cheated on Aiden with Big
2) Broke up Big's marriage AND made Natasha fall and bust her face
I know it's just a movie but I think we can learn a lot from Carrie.
In the movie, never does she ask herself "what did I do to deserve this." All the blame falls on Big. And he deserves the majority of it..
But the next time you are wondering why a guy did you wrong or why a relationship fell a part, think about what you have done to others. Maybe you had it coming...

What a Difference a Weave Makes

A great story from our guest blogger Amber, it really needs no introduction...

For the eight months that I rocked my ‘Fro, I never went on a single date. Ever. When I started straightening my highlighted hair, the dates trickled in over the following year and a half. A handful of cute brothas here and there, and a book’s worth of hilarious dating stories. And now that I have the 18’’ weave? I’ve had a guy buy my four friends and me rounds of drinks. Acquaintances at my job have exclaimed with shocked faces, “Amber, you just look….beautiful today!” A black man handed me a rose in Hermosa Beach, saying “for the most beautiful black woman up in here tonight.” A stunning, exotic-looking lesbian boldly grabbed my ass and told me to take down her number. I’ve caught older white men lustfully stare at me at an‘SC tailgate…at dinner…in a bar….

And all of this has happened in the mere three days that I’ve had a weave.

I can’t bear to think that hair has this much power. Maybe men have always checked me out, and I didn’t really noticed before – hey, I’ve been known to be oblivious. Or, maybe, I carry myself differently now – more confidently? Or perhaps I’m just blowing a few experiences out of proportion. I mean, how can six ounces of Indian hair stitched to my scalp be more alluring than my stylish threads, my sweet personality, my natural, soft kinky hair? Does long straight hair really have the omnipotent power I think it might have?

I was determined to find out the answer so I listened to other people’s stories. I asked Tamari, a savvy make-up artist and a hair stylist with a true gift for making other women look good. “I’ve worn my hair short, long, medium and everything in between,” Tamari laughed. “And let me tell you, men – especially Black men – like long, well put-together hair. I’ve noticed that I’ve gotten more attention when I wear my hair long.”

Tamari, a Black woman like myself, had noticed that men treated her differently when she had some tracks. But did “hair length” affect women of other races too? I asked my two close co-workers, Carolyn and Starlyn, who are Asian and Jewish respectively. “When I had long hair, guys would touch my hair in awe,” Carolyn revealed. “I think it fulfilled the submissive Asian woman stereotype. But still, I miss my long hair - I have hair envy. I find myself tugging on it, playing with it, pulling it. Long hair is fun. I’m growing it out again.” “I agree,” Starlyn nodded her head. “When I was a news anchor for ten years, I had to wear short hair, because it’s perceived as more ‘serious.’ Now that I’m not in the news business, I’m so happy to grow out my hair.”

Hmmm. Looks like Black women weren’t the only ones coping with this vicious hair battle. Women of all races – and apparently ages, too – seemed to struggle with hair and how it relates to our femininity, our beauty, our worth. I thought about my twelve-year-old Latina step-sister Ashley, who has said that my hair looks prettier long and straight than curly or in an Afro style. I thought about my eight-year-old cousin Alanis, who makes it a point to show me that her golden brown hair reaches down to her butt. She excitedly tugs on it, and searches my face for approval. Her sixteen-year-old sister Jessica, puts extensions in her already long, naturally Blonde hair. One day, as she flipped through a teen magazine, she pointed to a model with unrealistically platinum Blonde locks. Jessica said she wanted her hair to look like that. “But your hair is already Blonde,” Carla, my aunt, protests. Jessica moodily replied, “I want it Blonder…and longer.” Carla, who wears a short natural, rolls her eyes.

I’ve been blessed to think I was a cute little thang whether I rocked a ‘Fro, a weave, or braids. But I don’t think – as I’ve seen from my experiences and other women’s tales – that the world seems to feel the same way. Now I’m asking myself questions that never crossed my mind before. Questions like: “Would wearing a long weave make life easier? Easier to get a drink at the bar, to obtain that promotion – find a great husband?” As shallow as it may seem, the image we put forth to the world is how it defines us.

So now I ask you. How have your different hairstyles defined your experiences, if at all?

From ‘Fro to weave,
-Amber